All the problems that *certain men* complain about — male suicide, mothers gaining custody of children more often following a divorce, men dying from hazardous occupations, men going to war, and so on — are problems directly caused by patriarchy.
Men raised without the weight of toxic masculinity from their fathers, their brothers, their male friends, and their male coworkers, who felt encouraged to express emotion in the relatively uninhibited manner typically associated with femininity, and who felt like they could be open with their partners, seek therapy when needed, and ask people for help, would be less likely to commit suicide.
If half of all time spent on childcare was done by fathers, then the idea of granting custody to a father would bear no connotations different from those of granting custody to a mother.
If men did not harass women in male-dominated occupations, then more women would work in them. This includes the trades. This includes physically dangerous occupations that some women would take, both because college is expensive and because these jobs pay more than the retail and other service industry jobs that women with no college education are relegated to. That would make more women, and fewer men, *die at work*.
I oppose the draft. I oppose the Selective Service. It is unconstitutional. But if, for the sake of argument, the draft/Selective Service were allowed to remain, then I would support female inclusion. For every man who can serve on the ground, there is a woman who can serve in the air or at sea.
Maybe some men get sucked into believing that the aforementioned problems are WOMEN’S fault, and feminists’ fault, because most among this group have no concept of how millennia of legal, institutionalized, structural, systemic, and totalitarian oppression compounds and completely overtakes a society. They have no concept of the magnitude of the power of oppression based on innate, and easily identifiable, traits to erase the oppressed group. They do not understand the concept of supremacy. They don’t understand that “causing all problems” is a corollary of “controlling everything.”
They do not understand how the oppressive group — in this case, men — could possibly cause the majority of the world’s problems. It sounds pejorative. And yet, that is exactly what one would expect to happen when the other group (i.e., women) are not allowed to vote, work anywhere, buy anything, own anything, learn anything in school, even learn to read or go outside the house without a man. If women are all in the house watching children, cooking, and cleaning all the time, then how could they cause more than a minuscule fraction of the world’s problems?
The 21st century is no longer entirely like this, but mothers are STILL five times more likely than fathers to stay at home to raise children. Mothers are still SEVEN TIMES more likely than fathers to be absent from the workforce to raise children under 6. So yes, if there are more men working at companies, then there are more men behind the various problems wrought by these companies. Every American president has been a man. Those who blame presidents for the country’s problems, then and now, are blaming only men. 80 percent of Congress is male. This means men are disproportionately behind the problems that laws and government policies have wrought.
In this context, the idea of “blaming men” is merely a mathematical, logical conclusion. Some men then argue the flip side, that if men caused most of the world’s problems, then they also created most of the world’s solutions. But this argument is invalid, because women were categorically prohibited from creating the world’s solutions. The idea that we never could have if we had had the same freedom as men all along, and will never be able to, is nothing more than pure unadulterated bioessentialist misogyny.
Bioessentialist pseudoscience was just a relatively fancy, nineteenth-century way of saying that BIPOC and women were innately inferior, a *more modern* update to the old adage that their innate inferiority was proven by scripture. The twentieth and twenty-first centuries show a pattern of oppressive pseudoscientific claims being debunked. Because there is a greater genetic difference between different sexes versus different races, the debunking of sex-based pseudoscience has lagged behind the debunking of race-based pseudoscience, but the limit is approaching 0 practical difference in terms of who can do which jobs or tasks. Consider, among other things, the Flynn effect and the fact that greater *cognitive differences* between men and women *magically appear* in countries where women are more oppressed.
Now that we have taken out the bioessentialist trash, we can recognize that, as with every group project you have ever done, or every new person who has ever joined your group of friends, the equal participation of women in society will cause both new problems and new solutions. Because no person is perfect, and therefore no group of people is perfect. And yet, the more ideas there are in a meeting, or a company, or a country, or the world, the higher the quality of those ideas that rise to the top. The equal participation of EVERY group also would provide a sorely needed checks and balances mechanism to the biggest problems that we face today because they have run rampant, unchecked and unregulated, for so long. If two heads are better than one, then 7.9 billion heads are better than 3.95 billion.
In a male supremacist society, virtually all problems disproportionately faced by women versus men, AND virtually all problems disproportionately faced by men versus women, are the fault of men as a group. Because male supremacy isn’t some metaphysical force, it is only still around because individual men keep enforcing it (think of each man who contributes to the problem as one atom from an enormous form).
The goal of feminism is for there to be no problems — other than relatively trivial things like menstruation and nocturnal emissions, and the less than two years out of her entire life that the average woman desires to spend pregnant — that disproprtionately affect women OR men. This means we both go to war and we both die at work. And also that we both raise the children and we both do the cooking, grocery shopping, and housework. That we split the bill at restaurants, and that the concept of marital community property is irrelevant because we both make the same amount of money. No need to worry about gold diggers or hypergamy if men and women, on average, make the same!
Some people really need to stop perpetuating the very problems that they complain about.
The most elemental meaning of “patriarchy” is the father as the head of the family. This ideology, which has wrought so much global oppression against women, is carried on in the tradition of a man’s wife, and all of his children, bearing his surname. I believe that true gender equality — equality of social status and respect, not just things like the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission — requires an equal passing down of the father’s and the mother’s birth surnames. To this end, I am partial to a matrilineage and patrilineage running in parallel for cisgender heterosexual family members, with case by case egalitarian modifications for LGBT family members.
To illustrate how this might work, as well as just a small taste of its power, I have traced back the matrilineal surnames of notable women a few generations.
THE BAUMFREE WOMEN— THREE GENERATIONS
(from Sojourner Truth)
Baumfree, Elizabeth (c. 1777)
2. Baumfree, Isabella (1797-1883; daughter of Elizabeth) ~ suffragist and abolitionist
3. Baumfree, Diana (1815; daughter of Isabella)
Baumfree, Elizabeth II (1825; daughter of Isabella)
Baumfree, Sophia (1826; daughter of Isabella)
THE CAMPBELL WOMEN — FOUR GENERATIONS
(from Kim Kardashian)
Kristen CampbellKourtney CampbellKimberly Campbell Khloe CampbellKendall CampbellKylie Campbell
Campbell, Mary Jo (born 1934) ~ retail entrepreneur
2. Campbell, Kristen (born 1955; daughter of Mary Jo) ~ television host and talent manager
Campbell, Karen (born 1958; daughter of Mary Jo)
3. Campbell, Kourtney (born 1979; daughter of Kristen) ~ fashion designer and retail entrepreneur
Campbell, Kimberly (born 1980; daughter of Kristen) ~ fashion designer and cosmetics entrepreneur
Campbell, Khloe (born 1984; daughter of Kristen) ~ fashion designer and television host
Campbell, Kendall (born 1995; daughter of Kristen) ~ model and fashion designer
Campbell, Kylie (born 1997; daughter of Kristen) ~ cosmetics entrepreneur and fashion designer
4. Campbell, Penelope (born 2012; daughter of Kourtney)
Campbell, North (born 2013; daughter of Kimberly)
Campbell, Chicago (born 2018; daughter of Kimberly)
Campbell, True (born 2018; daughter of Khloe)
Campbell, Stormi (born 2018; daughter of Kylie)
THE DE SOLA WOMEN
(from Courtney Love)
de Sola, Candelaria
de Sola, Courtney ~ singer and actor
de Sola, Elsie ~ screenwriter
de Sola, Frances ~ visual artist and music journalism intern
2. Dugan, Kathleen II (born 1959; daughter of Kathleen) ~ fashion designer
Dugan, Kim (born 1964; daughter of Kathleen) ~ actor
Dugan, Kyle (born 1969; daughter of Kathleen) ~ actor
3. Dugan, Paris (born 1981; daughter of Kathleen II) ~ fashion designer and DJ
Dugan, Nicholai (born 1983; daughter of Kathleen II) ~ fashion designer
Dugan, Brooke (born 1986; daughter of Kim)
Dugan, Whitney (born 1990; daughter of Kim)
Dugan, Kimberly II (born 1995; daughter of Kim)
Dugan, Farrah (born 1988; daughter of Kyle)
Dugan, Alexia (born 1996; daughter of Kyle)
Dugan, Sophia (born 2000; daughter of Kyle)
Dugan, Portia (born 2008; daughter of Kyle)
4. Dugan, Lily (born 2016; daughter of Nicholai)
THE ECKHARDT WOMEN— FOUR GENERATIONS
(from Melanie Griffith)
Nathalie EckhardtMelanie EckhardtDakota Eckhardt
Eckhardt, Dorothea (born c. 1897)
2. Eckhardt, Patricia (born c. 1927; daughter of Dorothea)
Eckhardt, Nathalie (born 1930; daughter of Dorothea) ~ actor and model
3. Eckhardt, Melanie (born 1957; daughter of Nathalie) ~ actor and producer
4. Eckhardt, Dakota (born 1989; daughter of Melanie) ~ actor and producer
Eckhardt, Stella (born 1996; daughter of Melanie)
THE FULTON WOMEN — FIVE GENERATIONS
(from Jane Birkin)
Fulton, Mary
2. Fulton, Judith (1916 – 2004; daughter of Mary) ~ actor
3. Fulton, Jane (born 1946; daughter of Judith) ~ singer and actor
4. Fulton, Kate (1967 – 2013; daughter of Jane) ~ photographer
5. Fulton, Charlotte (born 1971; daughter of Jane) ~ actor and singer
6. Fulton, Lou (born 1982; daughter of Jane) ~ actor and singer
7. Fulton, Alice (born 2002; daughter of Charlotte)
8. Fulton, Jo (born 2011; daughter of Charlotte)
THE GARRITT WOMEN — TEN GENERATIONS
(from Queen Elizabeth II)
Anne GarrittCecilia Garritt II, Countess of Strathmore and KinghorneMary Garritt IIElizabeth Garritt, Queen Consort of the United KingdomMargaret GarrittQueen Elizabeth IIPrincess Margaret IIPrincess Anne IIIZara Garritt
Garritt, Mary (c. 1765)
2. Garritt, Frances (c. 1785; daughter of Mary)
3. Garritt, Anne (1805-1881; daughter of Frances)
4. Garritt, Caroline (1832-1918; daughter of Anne)
Garritt, Cecilia (c. 1835-1869; daughter of Anne)
Garritt, Gertrude (c. 1837-1865; daughter of Anne)
Garritt, Ida (1839-1886; daughter of Anne)
5. Garritt, Cecilia II (1862-1938; daughter of Caroline)
Garritt, Ann II (1864-1932; daughter of Caroline)
Garritt, Hyacinth (1864-1916; daughter of Caroline)
6. Garritt, Violet (1882-1893; daughter of Cecilia II)
Garritt, Mary II (1883-1961; daughter of Cecilia II)
Garritt, Rose (1890-1967; daughter of Cecilia II)
Garritt, Elizabeth (1900-2002; daughter of Cecilia II)
7. Garritt, Jean (1915-1999; daughter of Mary II)
Garritt, Margaret (1925-2016; daughter of Mary II) ~ personal assistant
Garritt, Mary III (1917-2014; daughter of Rose)
Garritt, Elizabeth II (born 1926; daughter of Elizabeth) ~ Queen of the United Kingdom
Garritt, Margaret II (1930-2002; daughter of Elizabeth) ~ Princess of the United Kingdom
8. Garritt, Annabel (born 1952; daughter of Margaret)
Garritt, Victoria (born 1953; daughter of Margaret)
Garritt, Anne III (born 1950; daughter of Elizabeth II) ~ Princess of the United Kingdom and Olympic equestrian
Garritt, Sarah (born 1964; daughter of Margaret II) ~ Princess of the United Kingdom and painter
9. Garritt, Zara (born 1981; daughter of Anne III) ~ Olympic equestrian
Morse, Charlotte (1809 – 1884; daughter of Martha)
Morse, Mary (born 1813; daughter of Martha)
3. Morse, Martha II (1837 – 1927; daughter of Charlotte)
Morse, Caroline (1839 – 1924; daughter of Charlotte) ~ teacher
Morse, Eliza ( 1842 – 1931; daughter of Charlotte)
Morse, Charlotte II (daughter of Charlotte)
Morse, Jane (daughter of Charlotte)
4. Morse, Mary II (1865 – 1928; daughter of Caroline) ~ made fly nets for horses
Morse, Laura (1867 – 1957; daughter of Caroline) ~ teacher and author
Morse, Caroline II (1870 – 1946; daughter of Caroline) ~ typesetter
Morse, Grace (1877 – 1941; daughter of Caroline) ~ journalist and teacher
5. Morse, Rose (1886 – 1968; daughter of Laura) ~ journalist and author
THE MURRAY WOMEN
(from Hillary Clinton)
Murray, Chelsea ~ news correspondent and author
Murray, Della
Murray, Dorothy ~ housekeeper
Murray, Hillary ~ university chancellor and secretary of state
THE NIEDBALSKI WOMEN
(from Alex Sykes)
Niedbalski, Alex
Niedbalski, Olivia
THE PASSIOS WOMEN
(from Carolina Herrera)
Passios, Ana
Passios, Carolina
Passios, Maria
Passios, Maria II ~ fashion designer
Passios, Mercedes
Passios, Patricia
THE PEOPLES MEN AND WOMEN— THREE GENERATIONS
(from Wanda Sykes)
Peoples, Marion ~ banker
2. Peoples, Wanda ~ actor and comedian
3. Peoples, Lucas
THE PRICE WOMEN
(from Serena Williams)
Price, Oracene ~ tennis coach and nurse
2. Price, Isha
Price, Lyndrea
Price, Serena ~ tennis player and venture capitalist
Price, Venus ~ tennis player
Price, Yetunde ~ businessperson and nurse
THE PLANCHE WOMEN — FOUR GENERATIONS
(from Carla Bruni)
Planche, Renee
2. Planche, Marisa (daughter of Renee) ~ pianist and actor
3. Planche, Carla (daughter of Marisa) ~ singer and model
Planche, Valeria ~ actor and screenwriter
4. Planche, Giulia (daughter of Carla)
THE PORTELL WOMEN
(from Britney Spears)
Portell, Britney ~ singer and actor
Portell, Ivey
Portell, Jamie Lynn ~ actor
Portell, Lillian
Portell, Lynne ~ teacher and daycare worker
Portell, Maddie
THE ROBINSON WOMEN
(from Olave Baden-Powell)
Robinson, Agnes
Robinson, Anne
Robinson, Auriol
Robinson, Betty
Robinson, Eliza
Robinson, Heather
Robinson, Olave
THE ROBINSON WOMEN
(from Patti LaBelle)
Robinson, Barbara
Robinson, Bertha ~ domestic worker
Robinson, Jacqueline
Robinson, Patricia ~ singer and actor
Robinson, Vivian
THE ROSE WOMEN
(from Kelly Clarkson)
Rose, Alyssa
Rose, Jeanne ~ teacher
Rose, Kelly ~ singer and television host
Rose, River
THE ROSENBURG WOMEN
(from Dianne Feinstein)
Rosenburg, Betty ~ model
Rosenburg, Eileen ~ Electoral College member
Rosenburg, Dianne ~ senator and nonprofit executive
Rosenburg, Katherine ~ judge and attorney
THE SCHWAB WOMEN
(from Katy Perry)
Schwab, Angela
Schwab, Daisy
Schwab, Katheryn ~ singer and fashion designer
Schwab, Mary ~ pastor
Schwab, Pauline ~ Alcoholics Anonymous aide
THE SERGEANT WOMEN
(from Edith Ewing Bouvier Beale)
Sergeant, Edith ~ singer
Sergeant, Edith II ~ model and singer
Sergeant, Maude
Sergeant, Maude II
Sergeant, Michelle
THE SHERRARD WOMEN
(from Laura Bush)
Sherrard, Barbara ~ activist
Sherrard, Cora
Sherrard, Jenna ~ bookkeeper
Sherrard, Jenna II ~ news anchor and author
Sherrard, Jessie
Sherrard, Laura ~ teacher and librarian
Sherrard, Poppy
THE SIGGERS WOMEN
(from Aretha Franklin)
Siggers, Aretha ~ singer
Siggers, Barbara
Siggers, Carolyn ~ singer
Siggers, Erma ~ singer
Siggers, Sabrina
THE SMITH WOMEN
(from Demi Lovato)
Smith, Beverley ~ singer and musical theater actor
Smith, Dallas
Smith, Demetria ~ singer and actor
Smith, Dianna ~ cheerleader
Smith, Madison
THE STEWART WOMEN— SIX GENERATIONS
(from Martha Bulloch Roosevelt)
Stewart, Martha (1799-1864)
2. Stewart, Susan (1820-1905; daughter of Martha)
Stewart, Anna (daughter of Martha)
Stewart, Martha II (1835-1844; daughter of Martha)
3. Stewart, Anna II (1855-1931; daughter of Martha II)
Stewart, Corinne (1861-1933; daughter of Martha II) ~ poet
4. Stewart, Corinne II (1886-1971; daughter of Corinne) ~ congressperson
5. Stewart, Corinne III (1912-1997; daughter of Corinne II)
6. Stewart, Corinne IV (daughter of Corinne III)
THE VAN LIMBURG-STIRUM WOMEN
(from Cara Delevingne)
van Limburg-Stirum, Anna
van Limburg-Stirum, Cara ~ actor and model
van Limburg-Stirum, Chloe
van Limburg-Stirum, Janie ~ personal assistant
van Limburg-Stirum, Pandora
van Limburg-Stirum, Poppy ~ actor and model
THE WILLIAMSON MEN AND WOMEN
(from Melissa Etheridge)
Williamson, Beckett
Williamson, Elizabeth ~ computer consultant
Williamson, Johnnie
Williamson, Melissa ~ singer
Williamson, Miller
When it comes to women taking their husband’s last name, and/or giving all her kids her husband’s last name, there seem to be two camps: those who support the woman’s choice to do so, and those who hate the woman for doing so. It’s easier to focus on the woman’s role than the man’s: after all, it is her name. But most women report making the “choice” due to intense pressure from their fiance and his family. One Australian family reported that, after passing on the mother’s surname to all their children, the father’s parents refused to have any communication with the children.
Patriarchy is an ideology and system invented by men. The Western brand originated in ancient Mesopotamia with the advent of mechanized agriculture, circa 10,000 BCE. Archaeologists have linked it to the invention of the plow. The plow thing is true of Eastern patriarchy as well. When one does genetic, archaeological, prehistoric, historical, and cross-cultural analyses, one will find that patriarchy is not a biological inevitability, it has not existed “for all of time,” and men’s attitudes toward women varied widely across cultures. Key moments in the proliferation of Western patriarchy include the Code of Hammurabi, the male Greek philosophers, the military exploits of Alexander the Great, the Bible, the Quran, global coercive conversion to Christianity and Islam, and of course, global colonialism by Christian Europeans and the genocide of Indigenous Americans, many of whom had much better attitudes toward women (the Haudenosaunees and the Tainos being just two examples).
The continuance of patriarchal traditions, norms, and stereotypes today are primarily the fault of men. Internalized misogyny, which takes different forms from woman to woman, is also primarily the fault of men: fathers, boyfriends, male bosses and coworkers, harassers and trolls, and sexist movies, music, and advertising written, directed, and financed primarily by men. Misogynistic men are evil because ignorance in 2022 is unforgivable. I obtained all the information in this post for free. “I didn’t know” isn’t true. It’s a lie. What they’re really saying is, “I don’t care to know.”
So while one should not go on a witch hunt (another ancient patriarchal tradition) for women who take their husband’s last name and give all their children, including their daughters, their husband’s last name, it is not unreasonable to hope for, and to even expect, more equitable traditions going forward. Always question the role of the man in the relationship. Sometimes a new surname really is 100 percent the woman’s idea: but most of the time it’s not.
I used Ancestry, combined with old family records of my grandmother’s, to trace my matrilineage back nine generations.
THE FITZGIBBON WOMEN— TEN GENERATIONS
Fitzgibbon, Elizabeth (1749-1814)
2. Fitzgibbon, Bridget (1771-1869; daughter of Elizabeth)
3. Fitzgibbon, Catherine (born 1792; daughter of Bridget)
Fitzgibbon, Margaret (born 1796; daughter of Bridget)
Fitzgibbon, Bridget II (born 1815; daughter of Bridget)
Fitzgibbon, Ellen (born 1820; daughter of Bridget)
4. Fitzgibbon, Catherine II (born 1818; daughter of Margaret)
Fitzgibbon, Kate (1830-1891; daughter of Margaret) ~ housekeeper; immigrated from Ireland to the United States
Fitzgibbon, Bridget II (1833-1899; daughter of Margaret)
5. Fitzgibbon, Anna (1860-1935; daughter of Kate) ~ bridge foreman
Fitzgibbon, Bridget III (born 1869; daughter of Bridget II)
Fitzgibbon, Mary (1860-1939; daughter of Bridget II)
Fitzgibbon, Sadie (1874-1936; daughter of Bridget II)
6. Fitzgibbon, Kathryn III (1880-1964; daughter of Anna) ~ bookkeeper
Fitzgibbon, Ada (born 1883; daughter of Anna)
Fitzgibbon, Lillian (born 1886; daughter of Anna)
Fitzgibbon, Maud (born 1889; daughter of Anna)
Fitzgibbon, Marie (c. 1890; daughter of Mary)
7. Fitzgibbon, Alice (1905-1965; daughter of Kathyrn)
Fitzgibbon, Helena (c. 1908; daughter of Kathryn)
Fitzgibbon, Ada II (1917-1993; daughter of Kathryn)
Fitzgibbon, Camilla (1923-1993; daughter of Kathryn)
Fitzgibbon, Ada III (born 1920; daughter of Ada)
8. Fitzgibbon, Sylvia (born 1936; daughter of Alice) ~ nonprofit executive
9. Fitzgibbon, Dawn (born 1963; daughter of Sylvia) ~ paralegal
10. Fitzgibbon, Brette (born 1992; daughter of Dawn) ~ copywriter (That’s me!)
Fitzgibbon, Darin (born 1995; daughter of Dawn) ~ paralegal
I am going to legally change my last name to Fitzgibbon. When one changes one’s surname in marriage, the process is free and easy. But when one changes one’s given name or surname for another reason, it is expensive and arduous. One must pay $435 AND publish the proposed name change in a newspaper in case anybody objects! More evidence that our society promotes and rewards the suppression of female identity.
But I don’t care how inconvenient it is, I’m doing it ASAP. My matrilineal name will appear on my birth certificate. My social security card. My driver’s license. My passport. My death certificate. Everything I accomplish in this life from that point on will bear that name. And I will emblazon it with pride. My taking this name will honor all of my female ancestors, because for a woman to adopt a last name not assigned by a man is a revolutionary act. By reclaiming my matrilineage, I will be reclaiming my female history and identity, and proving that history need not always be written by the oppressors.
From the time I was an adolescent girl, I was taught not to expect much from a male romantic partner, to take what I could get. That’s not a good stereotype for anybody, but it’s true, this was and is the omnipresent message society gives me. In a country where only 20 percent of men are feminists, all a woman can do is shut up, find love, and not die alone, right? But I encourage every woman to stay true to herself, and to break up (or get divorced) from anyone who pressures her to make a choice she does not want to make. To understand that she absolutely deserves any perk a man gets — including passing down her last name to her children. It’s a way to claim history for a group of people — women — who are wrongfully assumed not to have any.
Blissful Style 